Anxiety and the Pissing Contest

I frequently joke that my life could be a very entertaining show and how I couldn’t make the shit up that happens to me. My friends and I talk about our ABG moments (Awkward Black Girl) all the time and how people refuse to understand or respect that anxiety is real. So here's a story about something that happened to me that flared up my anxiety and would've had me in jail if it hadn't been for growth. *insert church shout* Disclaimer: I am not a lesbian who hates men!!! I needed to get that out of the way before the backlash comes since it seems that mufuckas are in the "defend men even when they're blatantly wrong" spirit these days 😒. My physical appearance has been described as intimidating. I am 5 feet, 9 inches and I weigh in at a solid 284 pounds. Though I'm introverted, my personality holds as much girth as I do. Basically, I'm Madea. I've met both men and women who were of a smaller stature and attempted to "conquer" me because they saw me as a challenge. The men have done it exponentially more than the women. They stay trying to try me! They either think they can tame or intimidate me in some physical way or they show up with their Napoleon Complex beaming like a shiny gold tooth. And God forbid we actually engage in a conversation and they see that I have a brain 😱! Oh, that usually brings out the big gun; the pissing contest. If you've never heard the term "pissing contest", let me enlighten you. This is usually when 2 or more men are together and feel intimidated by one another so they start bragging about shit in an attempt to show one another up. They try to see who can piss the farthest, figuratively speaking...although sometimes it actually happens literally 🤦🏽‍♀️. It's the male version of being catty. I find that it happens a lot when a man finds out I'm a cannabis enthusiast. They feel the need to tell me how much weed they smoke. Sir, I do not care how much weed you smoke! Tolerance is not a contest. It simply is what it is 🤷🏽‍♀️. I won't lie though, it is a good feeling whenever I smoke with one of these pissing contest dudes and they tap out and I'm still smoking. 😂😂😂 Anywhoooo....on to the story. Let me start by saying I absolutely HATE being touched. So I was introduced to a guy (he was easily 6 inches shorter than I am) and his wife (a mental health professional) the other day and I was introduced as a cannabis blogger and my story of anxiety and coping was included in the introduction. The first thing he says to me is, "I smoke weed all day! 4 blunts, 5 blunts! I just be blowing!" I don't know why he led with that, but okay. He then proceeds to attempt to sell his product/service to me. That was true business strategy. But I soon stopped him and alerted him that I know all about him and he didn't need to sell himself to me because I know how to find him if I ever needed his product/services. He chuckles and walks away. I continue talking with his wife. Y'all, no lie....mid-sentence I feel a strong vibration on the small of my back 😱. That shit stunned me so bad, I can't even remember what the wife and I were talking about! This fool had gone and got some device and was giving me a much unsolicited and unwanted massage. I'm chuckling as I type this but I was MORTIFIED in the moment. I knew it was him because his wife's face went from wonderfully pleasant to WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS NIGGA DOING instantly. Again, I am DYING laughing as I type but I was fucking livid in the moment. We were in a church basement. I hear myself say, "what the fuck is happening on my back?" as I turn around to him. As I'm trying to spin around to face him and end this horrific invasion of my personal space, his ass is trying to keep me in position so he can continue with this vibrating device on my back. At this point, I'm fucking FUMING!😡 So I finally am able to turn around and face him and his ass is holding some green and black thing that looks like a portable speaker, with a huge grin on his face. And he says, "yeah, you need to come see me so we can stretch you out and get rid of that anxiety." My rebuttal to him happened in about 5 seconds and ended with my hasty exit as to not be on the commissioner's docket Monday morning. This entire exchange lasted about 2 minutes, from introduction to hasty exit. Again, I am laughing now, but my freedom was up for questioning in the moment. In a matter of seconds, he took me from a very relaxed and comfortable state to code red anxiety with a side of "I'm finna go to jail!" I was offended and angry. You try to insult/discount my cannabis enthusiasm by inserting your own so you could feel you had a leg up in the conversation. You then think you were helping me but the reality is that you discounted a very real struggle in my mental health WHILE using said struggle to gain a client! Then you used your male privilege to assume you were welcomed to my body to touch me! No!!! NOT COOL, MY DUDE!!! And I was embarrassed and offended for his wife because she is in the mental health field and her husband should have done better than that. And the look on her face told me that she shares the importance of mental health awareness with him, so he definitely knows better. She was mortified as well. It took everything in me not to pound my fist into the top of his head. I was so angry. So, instead of cussing his ass out and harboring that negative energy in my spirit, here I sit blogging for the entertainment of others and my own personal growth. I say all this to say, if you don't struggle with anxiety, YOU DO NOT RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DISCOUNT IT!!! It is real as shit and it is debilitating! Please be mindful because everyone isn't as healed and mature as I am and you will get fucked up out here in these streets! Thanks for attending my Ted talk.


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