My ultimate goal in life is to reach nirvana. This requires constant growth and healing. Well, I recently learned a lesson the hard way. I’m an Aries woman and I can hold a grudge for generations. It’s bad. My temper....listen....forgiveness is something I struggle with because, in my opinion, forgiving someone is giving them license or permission to fuck you over. How can I get on board with that shit? I can’t! I have tried. I have listened, or rather heard, when the elders have said harboring ill feelings for someone hurts you more than it does them. I never believed or agreed with that shit....until a few days ago.
I was always taught that when you know better you do better and if you can help someone, do it. And for the most part, I try to live by those things. I know I am at risk for certain disorders and healing from them at my age is not as easy as healing was 20 years ago. Therefore, I attempt to try to take better care of my mind and body with each day. it's a simple concept actually. Exhibit the behaviors that yield the results you want. I have found that that usually works.....unless you're dealing with people. Humans are exhausting.
Love is something that EVERYONE should experience regularly. I do. It feels fucking fantastic! I want everyone to feel this shit. I have a spouse showing me real ass unconditional love. I have friends showing me real ass unconditional love. So, in return, I try to do the same. Of course I love the shit out of my loved ones. That's easy. But I also try to love on others. We all have people we know who don't fall into the category of loved ones or friends or family. They're just people we know. And while they don't really hold weight in our lives, they still have a place. That makes them visible. You can really see them, whether or not you want to.
Couple that with being an empath and there lies my dilemma. How do you walk away or turn a blind eye when you can see someone in danger or in need? Y'all know I make a habit of minding the business that pays me, but this empath shit be having me all up in other people's mess trying to do drive-bys on their demons! Pray for me! The shit is exhausting! Younger me knew no boundaries and I would sacrifice myself to help someone. At 40, I have the spirit of discernment to know not to do that shit...especially when the risk is so high and requires me to ignore my own issues to save someone who doesn't even have clue they're sinking. How is that fair to me? It's not. It really isn't fair when the person in need is racist-adjacent. I used to be one of those "I don't see color" folk. Then one day I realized that didn't work because the color of my skin is, and always will be, louder than my voice ever will be. Saving people doesn't mean shit when you continually have a target on your back and someone you can save is holding the weapon. And while that revelation is simple and clear, it took me months to get there. I was ready to stick my neck out to help someone white....who thinks nigger and cracker are equal slurs. I saw a need. I saw a human being who needed compassion, companionship, love, friendship, and so many other things. I saw a human. I did not see color. However, she saw me and my brothers and sisters. She saw our skin but ignored our voices. She blocked her own blessing. I was ready to welcome her into my heart and family because she didn't have one and desperately wanted to be a part of one where she received exactly what I planned to give her. Love.
I used to think that becoming a better person and growing was something for the public stage. I don’t know if that was my own validation issues or if it was a result of living during the age of social media. But once I figured out that I wasn’t bound to conquer the hate in others with the love that lies within me, I realized just how much better I am.