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Death Becomes Her

I used to believe the only way to solve a problem was death. Death was my eraser. It is the most final thing ever...or so I thought. I even tried to erase my own problems by attempting suicide. The thing about attempting something is that failure nor success is a guarantee. All you're doing is trying. I thought I was trying to kill myself. What I was actually doing was starting my life over. Or should I say, I was starting my new life. I still had the same address, name, job....but my soul was heart was new.....and most importantly, my mind was new. I started to respect the ills that had influenced me to try to end it all. I sat and listened to exactly what they were trying to tell me. Suicide is about giving up. It is the last resort....or so we think. The solution isn't to end your life. Yes, you should still end it all. By that I mean end the ills. look at yourself. The solution is to look at how you got to that point where the pain consumed and enveloped you. How the fuck did I get here? And more importantly, what do I have to do to no longer be in this mindset and actually enjoy my life? Man, that was a damn hard ass question! That was my mirror moment. What is a mirror moment? It is that moment when you have no other choice and you MUST look in the mirror and hold yourself solely accountable for all your shit. ALL. YOUR. SHIT. Yes, you may have been in a horrible or abusive relationship where you were a victim. However, YOU are responsible for your survival. The power was never in the hands of the things/people that caused you pain or strife or motivated you to give up. The power was always yours! That mirror moment is there to remind you of your power and get you re-acclimated with it. And that was exactly what I did with my mirror moment.

I had lost friends who I'd spent the majority of my life with. We went from children to adults together. We were family. But growth and change are inevitable, so our paths no longer crossed and we parted ways. It fucked me up bad. I couldn't imagine life without these women. But I had begun living a lifestyle that made me unrecognizable to both them and me! I felt like I was spiraling and losing everything and everyone I loved. I understood growth and that people change and it is absolutely ok to grow apart. I didn't understand how real it was and that I would have to experience it. I wasn't ready. My lack of preparation for growth and change almost ended my life. I was weak. I didn't own my role in how things played out. So it almost took me out. I learned more about myself from that suicide attempt than I would've ever imagined. I learned exactly what I needed from ME to live...HAPPILY!!! I needed me. I needed me to show up and do the work. I learned that happiness isn't a fantasy. It is just like everything else in life that I want.....I have to work and not give up. So in a way, death did become me...the old me....


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